We go to a new bar near mine. I look great, not just by my standards, those around me. I feel great. I go to kiss him and he flinches. Everything shatters. My confidence, my feelings, my tear ducts. I keep it together. Just. Around TWO hours of polite conversation goes by. I say anything not to cry, I pseudo-smile at his jokes. He knows something is wrong, but can't/won't/doesn't ask. I have a coffee with a whiskey hammered into it.
Warm whiskey makes me feel loved. I ask him why we are doing
'this'? Why the fuck do we continue to pretend to be a couple, I'm not
even allowed to touch him.