Saturday, 23 April 2011

The flinch

We go to a new bar near mine.  I look great, not just by my standards, those around me. I feel great.  I go to kiss him and he flinches.  Everything shatters.  My confidence, my feelings, my tear ducts.  I keep it together.  Just.  Around TWO hours of polite conversation goes by.  I say anything not to cry, I pseudo-smile at his jokes.  He knows something is wrong, but can't/won't/doesn't ask.  I have a coffee with a whiskey hammered into it.

Warm whiskey makes me feel loved.  I ask him why we are doing 'this'?  Why the fuck do we continue to pretend to be a couple, I'm not even allowed to touch him.

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