Friday, 8 January 2010


What a year.  What a decade.

When I informed a few selected friends about my self-proclaimed bout of abstinence, it was greeted with guffaws!  The last year had been jam-packed with short flings, revisited relationships and sanctioned heartache with no time out.  

I'm a complex, contrary and neurotic and I can't seem to balance my need for physical, emotional, mental and sexual fulfillment.

I needed time to think about what I wanted and in turn actually desired.  It's been all too easy to get physical satisfaction, but not an equal emotional and mental satisfaction or in the case of Keaton the complete opposite.

I can't actually remember the last time I made love, yes, I've had intimacy but even when Quiet boy, my last love, and I reacquainted ourselves, I was still holding back. I was waiting for it to revert to its usual stalemate, and surprise surprise it did.

I had postponed seeing Jason for what I assumed would be our goodbye shag. There were a few reasons for this a) I haven't spoken to him properly since before Christmas and hate to have that conversation and b) Would I in ten days time, be horny and bored and try to rekindle my affection for him? Although in my head it is over, and I'm just waiting for my loins to catch up.  However, last night, we had the chat and in his words we're ending 'on a high'.  I think we will be very good friends after the dust has settled.

While these thoughts, feelings and past relationships have been processing, whilst I have allowed myself time to reflect, breathe and live at a reasonable place, I am back to my wholesome self.  As wholesome as I can be living on a minimum of two ladyplays a day!

My energy is restored, my enthusiasm rejuvenated and my lust revived. A new year, a new beginning. Out with the old, make space for the new.

I stand by my resolution, which is soon to be an established motto: Lower expectations and raise standards.

(Inspired by Rawedge's own reflections.)

PS And out of nowhere, I am being pursued by someone new. We've not yet kissed, not had anything remotely sexual which is probably how he managed to get past security.  

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