Friday, 6 November 2009

Presumed Guilty

So the man that desired a mistress? He got one, I'm sad to say in the shape of me.
Why didn't I say anything? I have been writing diary entries and then deleting them. Posting them would have made it real and consequentially shown how guilty it made me feel.
I couldn't believe that I could have allowed it, but he brought sex, sober sex, good sex and intense all-consuming sex. Time was too precious, from the instant we met we would kiss, touch, lick and fuck to the moment we parted. That was the offer and I somehow accepted.
He would send me messages and emails stating his attraction to me, my body, our time together and so on, I tried to reply with non-encouraging emails, like this could absolve me from the guilt I was feeling. Except of course I was encouraging him by saying, yes, I would meet him, and yes, that would be to have sex with him.
It was a simple enough (!?) arrangement, we would meet up for a couple of hours sometimes up to four, a whole day but never overnight. The first time we met was brilliant, straight off, his body matched mine physically, every thrust made me hungry for more.
As I couldn't be with him, there was nothing to prove, nothing to lose, I was just myself. My slightly neurotic, libido-driven wanton self.
I told him of some of my sexual fantasies, he was happy to oblige, what with his fantasy of being with me for the few snatched hours was being realised, [he said] it was the least he could do.
The few friends I confided in said I had nothing to feel guilty about, I wasn't deceiving anyone, that we don't own people, all except one friend who couldn't hide her disgust.
I was the other woman.
Why was I doing this? I still can't explain it. I justified it to myself that I wasn't the one being .
He called me 'the perfect mistress', which I hated. The more I saw him, the more I disliked how he could be deceitful to the woman he said to love so much, though in contradiction, the more I saw him, the more I saw the little lost boy inside, the one that had married in haste - what can I say? I am drawn to broken men, like a moth to a flame.
During this time I kept seeing articles about infidelity and monogamy:
- Brilliant men always betray their wives
- Is monogamy realistic?
- Relationship Karma
- Who cheats better?
- Being the other woman
The days he saw me, he said made him happier, his relationship with his wife was improving, I took this and twisted it to suit my own agenda - like I was doing a counselling service for him, it just so happened to be in a physical form.
Yesterday I ended it, I couldn't find the right words even though there were a multitude of reasons but I realised I didn't need to justify anything to him, I simply stated that the decision had been made for him.
I am happier without the guilt.
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5 comments:

  1. Good for you! Non-monogamy is great as long as everyone involved knows the score.

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  2. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself - you've done the right thing as it clearly wasn't sitting right with you, but mMany people wouldn't be strong enough to do that as it is clear that you were getting a lot of out of it yourself.

    You should concentrate on that - the positives. Well done x

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  3. strong move. and the right one. though i'm guessing not an easy one.

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  4. Thanks y'all. No it wasn't an easy decision, it would have been easy to say nothing, do nothing, but I feel better!

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