Friday, 6 November 2009

Presumed Guilty

So the man that desired a mistress? He got one, I'm sad to say in the shape of me.
Why didn't I say anything? I have been writing diary entries and then deleting them. Posting them would have made it real and consequentially shown how guilty it made me feel.
I couldn't believe that I could have allowed it, but he brought sex, sober sex, good sex and intense all-consuming sex. Time was too precious, from the instant we met we would kiss, touch, lick and fuck to the moment we parted. That was the offer and I somehow accepted.
He would send me messages and emails stating his attraction to me, my body, our time together and so on, I tried to reply with non-encouraging emails, like this could absolve me from the guilt I was feeling. Except of course I was encouraging him by saying, yes, I would meet him, and yes, that would be to have sex with him.
It was a simple enough (!?) arrangement, we would meet up for a couple of hours sometimes up to four, a whole day but never overnight. The first time we met was brilliant, straight off, his body matched mine physically, every thrust made me hungry for more.
As I couldn't be with him, there was nothing to prove, nothing to lose, I was just myself. My slightly neurotic, libido-driven wanton self.
I told him of some of my sexual fantasies, he was happy to oblige, what with his fantasy of being with me for the few snatched hours was being realised, [he said] it was the least he could do.
The few friends I confided in said I had nothing to feel guilty about, I wasn't deceiving anyone, that we don't own people, all except one friend who couldn't hide her disgust.
I was the other woman.
Why was I doing this? I still can't explain it. I justified it to myself that I wasn't the one being .
He called me 'the perfect mistress', which I hated. The more I saw him, the more I disliked how he could be deceitful to the woman he said to love so much, though in contradiction, the more I saw him, the more I saw the little lost boy inside, the one that had married in haste - what can I say? I am drawn to broken men, like a moth to a flame.
During this time I kept seeing articles about infidelity and monogamy:
- Brilliant men always betray their wives
- Is monogamy realistic?
- Relationship Karma
- Who cheats better?
- Being the other woman
The days he saw me, he said made him happier, his relationship with his wife was improving, I took this and twisted it to suit my own agenda - like I was doing a counselling service for him, it just so happened to be in a physical form.
Yesterday I ended it, I couldn't find the right words even though there were a multitude of reasons but I realised I didn't need to justify anything to him, I simply stated that the decision had been made for him.
I am happier without the guilt.
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  1. Good for you! Non-monogamy is great as long as everyone involved knows the score.

  2. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself - you've done the right thing as it clearly wasn't sitting right with you, but mMany people wouldn't be strong enough to do that as it is clear that you were getting a lot of out of it yourself.

    You should concentrate on that - the positives. Well done x

  3. strong move. and the right one. though i'm guessing not an easy one.

  4. Thanks y'all. No it wasn't an easy decision, it would have been easy to say nothing, do nothing, but I feel better!