Thursday, 29 October 2009

How to fuck people and alienate friends?

Let's skip past the niceties, family updates and straight to the main course:

Friend: who are you fucking nowadays?

Me: No-one..

Friend: Really? If you weren't getting any, you would have dry-humped the waiter by now.

Me: A little harsh, but fair. Let's just say no-one special.

Friend: Dish..

Me: Like I said, no-one special.

Friend: Dish the dirt! Tall? Short? Inside leg?

Me: I've got a casual thing with a 25 year old...

Friend: What the fuck Thirty?

Me: What?

Friend: Are you never going to stop fucking about?

(This is why I don't confide in my friends)

Me: Don't...

Friend: What? You're no longer a teenager.

Me: One minute you want to know whose dick I am sucking, the next berating me for that very same sucked dick?

(She's not a fan of cock or dick as words)

Friend: I thought you were looking for something for serious.

Me: If serious happens, great, but it has to be the right person. Until then I'm having great sex, I'm happy.

Friend: Happy?

Me: I'm dating, but nothing has come of that recently. I want chemistry, I don't want to sit in a pub or coffee place trying to persuade some arse that my aspirations fit in with his life. I want to feel it in my loins. Nine times out of ten, I am repeating the same old shit, for what? To have them act disinterested all night then try and semi-kiss, semi-grope me at the end of it. No thanks.

Friend: And you have chemistry with this 25 year old?

Me: Look - this bloke is gorgeous and funny, he tells me how gorgeous I am, how I make him feel, how good my body looks when I ride him. We fuck like he's never fucked before. You've forgotten what it's like...

Friend: What what is like? Meaningless sex? That I remember.

Me: No, to be single. You were more promiscuous than I ever was, and stupidly so, you've forgotten how many times you used to pick men up, take them home then throw them away...

Friend: I was young then...

Me: Well don't judge me now. I am who I am, I fuck who I want to fuck.

Friend: I just wish you had some self-respect...

(This is probably where I should have changed the subject)

Me: I do have self-respect.

Friend: Do you? Really?

Me: This isn't some drunken one-night-stand, this is a itch I need to be scratched. He makes me feel good about myself, so I can keep my self-respect, so the next time I am horny in a pub somewhere I don't feel the need to go home with some drunken idiot, you're right, I'm not a teenager. When I go on dates, I don't come across as desperate because you know what? I'm not. Do you think I want what you have?

(Rant over)

Friend: Yeah, I think you're jealous...

Me: I'm not going to settle...

Friend: And you think I have?

Me: You're 'happy' aren't you...?

Friend: Of course...

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  1. Ah, don't you hate it when someone in a couple looks down on you for being single and having fun?
    Nice post.

  2. Seems surprising that a so-called friend doesn't really seem to know you very well at all !

    I hate it when that happens :(

  3. Plenty more fish..

    The more I think about the conversation and her, I realise it's her trying to justify her upcoming engagement announcement and would prefer everyone else to be in her boat... Aaaaarrrggghhhhh!


    What's even more surprising is she does know me, she used to be my partner in crime. The stuff she used to get up to would make me blush!! I assume she regrets what she did pre-boyf and thinks I must or will feel the same remorse she does?!

  4. Yeah that could be it - she's probably acting with the best intentions, but it does come across as her being a bit of a killjoy !

  5. The world needs more women like you - but don't disregard the drunken asshole in the pub, it probably is me.

  6. If you're a charming drunken arsehole I doubt you'd be disregarded...