Let's skip past the niceties, family updates and straight to the main course:
Friend: ...so who are you fucking nowadays?
Friend: Really? If you weren't getting any, you would have dry-humped the waiter by now.
Me: A little harsh, but fair. Let's just say no-one special.
Me: Like I said, no-one special.
Friend: Dish the dirt! Tall? Short? Inside leg?
Me: I've got a casual thing with a 25 year old...
Friend: What the fuck Thirty?
Friend: Are you never going to stop fucking about?
(This is why I don't confide in my friends)
Friend: What? You're no longer a teenager.
Me: One minute you want to know whose dick I am sucking, the next berating me for that very same sucked dick?
(She's not a fan of cock or dick as words)
Friend: I thought you were looking for something for serious.
Me: If serious happens, great, but it has to be the right person. Until then I'm having great sex, I'm happy.
Me: I'm dating, but nothing has come of that recently. I want chemistry, I don't want to sit in a pub or coffee place trying to persuade some arse that my aspirations fit in with his life. I want to feel it in my loins. Nine times out of ten, I am repeating the same old shit, for what? To have them act disinterested all night then try and semi-kiss, semi-grope me at the end of it. No thanks.
Friend: And you have chemistry with this 25 year old?
Me: Look - this bloke is gorgeous and funny, he tells me how gorgeous I am, how I make him feel, how good my body looks when I ride him. We fuck like he's never fucked before. You've forgotten what it's like...
Friend: What what is like? Meaningless sex? That I remember.
Me: No, to be single. You were more promiscuous than I ever was, and stupidly so, you've forgotten how many times you used to pick men up, take them home then throw them away...
Friend: I was young then...
Me: Well don't judge me now. I am who I am, I fuck who I want to fuck.
Friend: I just wish you had some self-respect...
(This is probably where I should have changed the subject)
Me: I do have self-respect.
Friend: Do you? Really?
Me: This isn't some drunken one-night-stand, this is a itch I need to be scratched. He makes me feel good about myself, so I can keep my self-respect, so the next time I am horny in a pub somewhere I don't feel the need to go home with some drunken idiot, you're right, I'm not a teenager. When I go on dates, I don't come across as desperate because you know what? I'm not. Do you think I want what you have?
Friend: Yeah, I think you're jealous...
Me: I'm not going to settle...
Friend: And you think I have?
Me: You're 'happy' aren't you...?
Friend: Of course...