Monday, 7 September 2009

And they say the love letter is dead

From Kevin Smith to his wife on their tenth wedding
Over the last decade, you and I have never missed an
opportunity to let the other know when they've fucked
up. It's an irritating character flaw we share: a reflexive
last gasp for life from the fading individual that's losing
a battle of absolute surrender to a shared identity
As much as we'd like to think we're our own people,
we're not anymore.
We're entwined in one another's story. And with each
year, the tales become the tale, as the story moves
further away from our solo adventures of yore.
We're now so up in each other's narratives that they've
put us under one cover: "Two Married Faggots Who're
Queer for Each Other, the Fucking Faggots" - a
potentially incendiary title that's not meant to insult a
community as much as communicate just how
passionate this couple is for one another (the working
assumption being that same-sexers are far more
passionate about... well, passion than their breeder
counterparts; hence the glory-hole). But seeing as
this is our ten year anniversary, we must be doing
something right. And in honor of that, for the next
ten minutes, I present all the things you've been
right about over the last decade. Naturally, with
the time constraint, the list can't be all-inclusive;
even so, accept this as a nod of gratitude from a guy
who looks at you at least once a day and thinks
"She's still here! Man, I'm gonna owe this hooker
a shit-load of dough..."
Ten minutes.
Circumcising the watch... And, go!
- Never makes me get on top to fuck
- Raised a sweet, smart, strong woman-kid
- Never let the bush get crazy out of control
- Waxes the asshole regularly
- Made us change the carpet in the Oceanport house
- Law & Order
- Knew Harley's Nuk wouldn't be an issue
- Taught me to play BlackJack
- Insisted we move to California and buy Ben's house
- Got way into 2000 Stanley Cup finals when she knew
nothing about hockey
- Bought me all that cereal that one time
- Got me out of the sleeveless sweatshirt
- News Radio
- Wore the cutest overalls while she were pregnant
- Rocks just the right amount of anal to keep it
- Ate all that grapefruit when she was pregnant
- Re: Skywalker ranch - "We should get married here."
Then pulled the wedding together in less than
two days.
- Fucking the sense into me after I was like
"We should break up."
- All the furniture she's ever bought
- The chandeliers
- Wheat Grass
- The Mickey painting
- Snapped
- Six Feet Under
- I should've been on time for airport pickup when she
moved to Jersey. With flowers
- Larry the trainer
- Any number of people she's been like "I don't trust
them..." or "They're creepy..." about
- Tough love with old Mewes
- Frasier
- Everybody Loves Raymond
- Having that Christmas party in the old house
- Asking her parents to move in with us
- That actress
- Gnocchi
- Pinto Beans
- The Pixies
- The Ivy
- That little drape on the Bluntman costume that
covered my gut
- Sierra
- Sugar Ray's "Every Morning"
- Vegas - All those barbecues and parties
- The kid and softball
- Not over-bidding on Rumson house
- Burke Williams
- Us in general
In a life filled with crazy-lucky windfalls of good
fortune, you, Jennifer, have stood head-and-tits
above 'em all. Thanks for sharing a big slice of
your biography with me.
I love you more than I love pre-sweetened cereal (and
before anyone snickers: as someone who's watched me
pack on the pounds over the last decade, my wife can
appreciate the absolute truth of that cereal sentiment).
I love you, Super-Pal.
"I just figure, y'know - after twenty years, every man
deserves to hear this: I was wrong."
"And I think after twenty years, every woman deserves
to hear this: I agree with you."
- Dan and Roseanne
I hope that when I have been married for ten years,
I get a note like this xx
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