Friday, 14 August 2009

STD MOT

Diary entry from January 2009
Luckily I have never caught anything nasty in my knickers, but that it probably going out with virginal geeks or dirty musicians and requesting to use at least ten* condoms at a time never mind just one*!
I have been uber-careful with the last few partners but had a scare story from a friend where she caught chlamydia and had to tell 20-odd ex-partners/lovers/friends about it. As such, I am going to try and get tested at the end of each 'relationship', before getting intimate with someone...
As I use condoms with all new partners pretty smug in that knowledge, but should anything bad happen to me or my genitals, at least then I will a) be able to pinpoint who did it while dirty and b) the number of men I have to send that news to will be relatively low - that is - just the one. So I booked myself a sexual screening at the local sexual health clinic - in case you're worried, don't be - got the all clear.
What is the etiquette for bad news? Email, phone call, text, fax?!?!
All the normal questions came up - ooh missus - they really have something against Africans, using intravenous drugs or drugs intravenously even and selling sex, all of which seem seedy in t'sex clinic yet perfectly reasonable to be asked when at a blood drive.
As I'm there, I go for the full sexual MOT, obviously a little embarrassed I didn't shave public hair into a strange shape and/or colour for a laugh, I hear nurses love a good laugh, but I was running late!
My nurse in question used so much lube it was difficult to tell what she was doing and when, until she asked if I wanted to be tested for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease?
I agreed, the procedure she explained consisted of inserting two (well lubricated) fingers into one's vagina and just giving the wall of the womb "a little shake", I have my legs akimbo in some stirrups and below the waist only a pair of knee high black socks on, she goes in, at this point I am feeling a little like The Hand That Rocks The Cradle and what with all the lube can't be certain she still has her glove on, breathe in, breathe out, all done.
*That was not a serious comment, please don't try using more than one condom at a time!!
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