We met nearly a year ago, we fell in love (I fell in love. He loved me one day, could love me the day after, sometimes thought he could fall for me and so on), we then stopped seeing each other at the beginning of this year at my request.
After being apart for a few months, in an non-communicative state, he got back in touch, this meant long drawn out emails, phone conversations and comparatively shorter text messages then we agree to meet. This was all during June/July 2009 and I can't get him out of my head nor heart. This is why I can't see him anymore, this is why I need to move on.
Week one - day one:
We meet for drinks, see a show, more drinks, stupidly no dinner, we then kiss, snog and grope each other until we are asked to leave the bar we were in and somehow catch the last Northern line to our respective homes.
Week one - day two:
He calls, he has missed me, he wants to come over to his at the weekend. He can't believe how he couldn't keep his hands off me the night before.
Week one - day three:
He's not sure what he wants. He still wants to see me at the weekend but doesn't want commitment. His rules are: No meeting of parents, no holidays together, no romance basically. I point out he is an idiot. I highlight we have previously been away and it was fabulous. He agrees. I agree to not meeting each other's parents but the holidays are non-negotiable.
Week one - day five:
I go to his. He still lives with his parents (a post for another time surely), so this is a first, he has the place to himself. We go to the shops to get supplies, before we unpack the shopping we are pulling each other's clothes off, we have great sex on his single bed. He is anxious that he might come quickly as it's been months since we have had sex, he doesn't.
It was amazing seeing him at his place, in his own space and how relaxed and in charge he was.
We have sex another seven times before I leave the next afternoon, brilliant sex, multiple orgasms, oral, hard and fast, slow and sensitive, spanking. I love it when he says my name just before he comes.
He asks me if I have slept with anyone else since we had been apart, not wanting to lie I said not to ask questions you don't want the answers to. He asked for exclusivity, I explained that that comes with commitment.
Week one - day six:
We have our first shower today at his, he's shy about it, and wishes we hadn't had sex just before the shower. My stomach flips on the tube home.
A week after the night at his, we meet, he is tense, we have drinks, dinner and he stays at mine. After a very awkward attempt to have sex, I give him a blow job, he forgets to warn me as he's about to come. He goes down on me, but doesn't finish.
We have drinks. It's a disaster. We talk about the fact that he asked for commitment and exclusivity, he said he was saying what I wanted to hear. I suggest next time he either asks what I am thinking/feeling or take a mind reading evening class.
He's worried that he doesn't know what he wants. I can't go through this again, the not knowing, the indecisiveness. I say let's not bother then.
He sends an email about being insecure and I reply curtly that it shouldn't matter what I think as he obviously doesn't want me to be attracted to him, this is not the case apparently. He explains he doesn't think he knows what love is, having never felt it and goes into detail two non-relationships he had as a teenager.
We get close again, we share our deepest fears, secrets and desires. He then pulls away.
I love him, in a pure, warts and all way. But I am so tired of it all. When we are together now, we don't touch, the laughter is still there but so is the pain that we can't just get past all the fucking hoo-hah and just make a go of it. If it fucks up, it fucks up. But then again, I am a doer, he is a thinker.
In a last ditch attempt, I check our horoscope compatibility (I know!!!). It says (I'm paraphrasing here but...) a great matching if they ever manage to get it together. I despair.
I already know the answer. I need him out of my heart. I'm not sure the best route - cold turkey or softly softly catchee monkey.