Monday, 31 August 2009

What is that?

One of my most embarrassing memories wasn't so much the situation but the disgust in my lover of the time and as such how he made me feel.
It was the second time we had got intimate that night, and as his hands went south to what were now sodden knickers he came across a smidgen of toilet paper, I hadn't been to the toilet since we had sex the first time so it was there after I wiped my lady garden dry after orgasm, I mean it can get quite to very wet down there.
His reaction was damning.
What is that? Is it? Is it toilet paper? He was so disgusted that a small piece of paper had been caught in my engorged labia, that he wanted to 'just cuddle' for a bit.
Experiences like this have made me ever so self-conscious at times, especially when with a new lover.
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Credit crunch gift ideas

Have things got so bad?

Sunday, 30 August 2009

10 things I would like to try (in more detail):

2. Threesome with two men
I have been involved in a tryst with two men but it didn't result in any under-the-clothes action. I often have dreams involved a MFM threesome, especially if I feel I have to choose between two people and the favourable position in my mind is to the man receiving oral.
3. Threesome with another girl and boy
This is more to be part a man's fantasy, I don't think it's a healthy fantasy to fulfill in a loving relationship however it's something I would like to do for a partner.
4. Sex on a train/plane/automobile
Travelling always turns me on. Maybe it's because it is time that could be used much more effectively, that and the vibrations of course!
5. Sex with a girl
I'm not attracted to women, but if I watch porn it is usually sapphic and in dreams I have lesbian fantasies.
6. Spanking
I've tried this once or twice and was really turned on. I mean really really turned on. It is something I would like to venture into again.
7. Domination (both dominating and being dominated)
I'm not to keen in it being my turn then their turn. I think this may need to be with two men. One submissive, one dominant.
10. Sex in public
I used to more adventurous in my teens but haven't had sex al fresco this millennium. I love the risk (of being caught) and spontaneity.
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"It had to be you"

This week Radio 4 looked at When Harry met Sally twenty years on. When Harry met Sally is one of my favourite romcoms. I adore Billy Crystal in an older man way (when I first saw the film I must have been a teenager and Mr Crystal would have been late 30s/early 40s) and love the neurosis that is Meg Ryan's Sally. It reminded me to find the DVD, I usually watch the film around once a year and it always brings certain topics to light:
Can men and women be friends?
I would like to think so. But looking at my friendships with my closest male friends and their has been sexual attraction at some point, mutual or one-sided. I am close with some of my exes because once the relationship had ended and whatever bitterness hadn't destroyed - a friendship was organically left over. I love the company of men and actually prefer it if I don't fancy them. That's not to say I don't like a little flirtation, it's just when I fancy someone I act like an idiot. Think Marx Brothers coffee clumsiness all over the place.
High maintenance vs. Low maintenance
I am both high maintenance and low maintenance. I am extremely tolerate and patient but when I go off on one, boy do I? I tend to be high maintenance at the beginning of a relationship, when I say relationship, I mean agreeing to go out, be exclusive and be 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. After a few testing tantrums I calm down and become low maintenance. Why? Fuck knows. I think it's a defence mechanism. Either way it can't be healthy?!
Newsflash: Women fake orgasms
I love the fact that this was a wake-up call to men in the late 1980s. "Women fake orgasms? No. Or not with me at least". As a rule, I try not to fake it. When you fake an orgasm a men will forever think that whatever he was doing was pushing the right buttons. I have faked an orgasm twice, both occasions I knew I wasn't going to come, mentally I was elsewhere and I thought it nicer or easier to fake it, and it worked. I ensured that it was a faked routine mind, I told him where to touch and with what force, so the next time at least he would know where, when and for how long.
I am not your consolation prize
One particular ex calls me when he is bored and/or lonely. It's been years since I've engaged in sexual activity with him but I will get a call at least once in six months. If he calls when I am emotional and/or drunk - he will always get the 'I am not your consolation prize' speech, he treated me badly when we were together yet thinks he can since make it better.
The idiosyncrasies
When you accept and realise you like and even adore the imperfections of a partner - that is love.
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Saturday, 29 August 2009

Coco de la Cock Up

To avoid embarrassment one should try avoid getting Creme de la Mer mixed up with Coco de Mer (the latter link is not suitable for work) when in conversation, although both idolised and overpriced.
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10 things I don't know about sex

I feel like a kid in a sweet shop, I want to experience new things but also scared to try out stuff with someone I didn't trust.
Ten things I would like to try:
1. Anal sex
2. Threesome with two men
3. Threesome with another girl and boy
4. Sex on a train/plane/automobile
5. Sex with a girl*
6. Spanking
7. Domination (both dominating and being dominated)
8. Watch porn with a partner
9. Go to a lap dancing/strip club with a partner
10. Sex in public
*I once was kissed by a girl, it wasn't until much later (years in fact) that I regretted not doing more that night.
Where do you find people for this kind of thing?
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How long to wait?

The romantic in me would like to be asked out, wooed and after an adequate amount of sexual tension is in place, be fucked senseless. Women are encourage (by other women I can only assume) to hold out on sex until you have a man in the palm of your hand. Figuratively speaking of course, not until giving him a hand job.
But with age I am becoming less patient. I've had one too many heart-wrenching experiences of being totally smitten with someone and when it comes down to sexual compatibility either not matching expectations or being a downright disappointment.
When I went out with Mr Maybe-Next-Time, our courting was ever so romantic, we didn't just have dates, we had dates that lasted hours yet sped by, enraptured in each other's conversation. We had over fifty hours of dates, before any heavy petting/penetration occurred, by which time I was too emotionally attached, I had also met his family, friends and colleagues. The sexual compatibility was not good, but I thought it would get better and also felt it was callous to put such a high importance on sex.
Looking back, he didn't make me laugh. Of course I did laugh but I mean massive from-the-bottom-of-the-belly laughs, so much so when you've recovered, you just want to say 'I love you' and start undressing your partner there and then.
To over compensate I now tend to sleep with someone earlier than maybe I would have done a decade or so ago, but living up to my resolutions - I will raise my standards and lower my expectations - maybe it's just an organic process of trusting my instincts more.
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Friday, 28 August 2009


Earlier this evening I was stood up for the first time since I can't remember when. It was down to a technical failure i.e. I was out without his number, he had no access to emails and so on. I mean successful rom-coms have been written on less sturdy foundations.
But I did feel mighty red-faced. Like a teenager, it didn't help that the moment I got to vicinity of the pub it PISSED it down, maybe that was nature's way of stopping me meeting up with anyone with that amount of make-up on the front of my dress rather than my face.
By the time I found his number, cue endless attempts to get into my web-email (thank you phone!) and got through - fifteen minutes after we were meant to meet, he was obviously tucked in somewhere warm in his PJs and with dinner. He was embarrassed, I was embarrassed. He offered to put down his dinner, shower and meet me. But what was the point? I would have to be pretty spectacular as a date to make up for the rushing and would have to sit there for that time, so I said we'd make it another night. I then downed the (large £6) glass of wine. I now have brain-freeze, which in this instance should probably be called wine-brain from necking a third of a bottle in record time.
So if you happened to see a woman looking dolled up buying a kilo of organic chocolate around fifteen minutes ago - that would have been me.
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Fuckability TV

The porn industry could learn something from current television scheduling. I for one am enjoying the testosterone driven entertainment, such as The Wire, True Blood and The Tudors. The most desirable men on TV at the moment, to me at least, aren't necessarily the most handsome, but the wrong men, the ones we are warned against!
McNulty (played by Dominic West).
One fine specimen of man. McNulty is intelligent yet bored and is broken beyond repair. Untameable and you wouldn't be surprised if he smelt of booze, cigs and probably another woman. Even though you would like to think you could turn him down but know you wouldn't. He is a walking hard-on. *sigh*
Special thanks must be made of Idris Elba and Aidan Gillen's respective characters too!
Bill Compton (played by Stephen Moyer)
The quiet, brooding, mysterious man, blood-sucking vampire tendencies aside! Bill's ability to loves deeply, emotionally and physically. Caring, gentlemanly, he may be our last hope to revive chivalry. When he first slept with his female protagonist, it was hot, that could have something to do with the intensity of the biting. Even though I am squeemish of blood, I was intensly turned on. It's not difficult to imagine the post-orgasmic feeling crossed with the elation of donating blood. The programme is littered with man totty - Alexander SkarsgÄrd, Ryan Kwanten and Sam Trammell. Even the credits are saucy "I wanna do bad things with you".
Henry VIII (played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers)
The ultimate alpha male. His HRH power and prowess are intoxicating but is there something to be said to be scared of a sexual partner? I imagine that knowing that he could have you beheaded at any time would add to the height of the orgasm and no mistake. Anyone brave enough to ask the King to participate in erotic asphyxiation?
There is part of me that extremely proud that they all happen to be British* being born in Sheffield (West), Brentwood, Essex (Moyer) and Dublin (Rhys Meyers). Not forgetting Hackney-born Elba.
Has anyone seen Dominic West in the coffee adverts. Am I sitting comfortably? Coffee has NEVER sounded sexier.
*For the sake of argument can we classify Ireland as British, just this once?
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When a kiss is just a kiss

At a bar on Sunday night, I got speaking to one of the musicians. We had loads in common, and couldn't stop laughing, we headed to my hotel and then my room. He seemed keen to hang out but I couldn't detect if there were any more to it than that.
Back in my room, I put on some music, quiet enough set a mood, not too loud to annoy/alert the neighbouring room. He kisses me. And nothing. No spark. No loin quiver. Nothing. We laugh awkwardly and carrying on with the conversation. We slept in my hotel room, playing word games and sharing dreams and desires but nothing more than that one kiss. It was like our lips didn't work together.
In the morning I furnished him with a toothbrush (a spare unused one I had picked up on a recent flight) and sent him on his way.
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" the dirtiest girl I know..."

I have been described " the dirtiest girl I know...", not to my face but in conversation. I laugh and the inner me cries out "I wish"!
Explaining that this may not be true, as a rule, girls just don't talk about sex and I will quite happily talk about my sex life, opinions, other people's experiences with this particular person.
Thinking about all the things this person knows of me, I realise that it is all stuff before I was 21 years old that she must remember.
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Thursday, 27 August 2009

Is peeking playing by the rules?

I have a date tonight and in preparation I accidently stumbled across his Facebook (I mean who nowadays has their Facebook page open?!), which led to his twitter, which led to his myspace and so on... I should have stopped at this discovery but no, I check his holiday photos, favourite youtube clips, and STOP!!!
The good news is he is looking forward to the date!
The bad news is I now feel guilty for snooping.
The date was great, too good, too perfect. He's just sent a text to ensure I got home safely *swoon*. And I'm trying my best not to check his Twitter.
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Five, Sex, Seven, Eight

My then-beau and I were discussing what would be great music to bonk to - with reference to my youth and eclectic music taste somewhere in my top ten shag songs would have to be Closer by Nine Inch Nails, he said he wasn't sure he knew the song, I tried singing it to him then played it for him. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Considering the lyrics (© Nine Inch Nails)...
You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help me, I broke apart my insides, help me, I've got no soul to tell
Help me, the only thing that works for me, help me, get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god
You can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything
Help me, tear down my reason, help me, it's your sex I can smell
Help me, you make me perfect, help me, become somebody else
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god
Through every forest, above the trees
Within my stomach, scraped off my knees
I drink the honey inside your hive
You are the reason I stay alive
...I thought he would slowly plant a kiss on me but he didn't, I went to kiss him, he backed off and he looked embarrassed. He often did this whenever my sex drive appeared.
We had been going out for a couple of months at this point, and even though he had a large sex drive it was in spurts: four times in one night and then nothing for weeks, sometimes he would want to fuck me on sight and then at times not even greet me with a kiss. As such I found it really arduous to deal with such indifference from him, I ended things with him rather than deal with the constant disappointment, it hurt too much. His passion and affection could never make up for how he was when cold and distant.
Coincidentally maybe, as I am typing this I receive a message asking my take on mix tapes.
I remember my first mix tape. As I received it at school, I looked at it for about four hours before I could listen to it. I can recall all the small doodles on the card together with the near perfect capital letters of each artist and song title. I liked the songs, but it was the effort the boy had gone to that meant so much.
It was not so long ago that I was given a mix CD-R with just my name scribbled on the CD and presented in a transparent plastic sleeve. The CD was a compilation of B-sides of one of my best-loved bands, some of his favourite songs and a couple of songs I hold dear and must of mentioned in passing and he had remembered, the CD-R was in summary - perfect.
The message banter delves into what strategies teenage boys nowadays use to woo their counterparts. Are mix tapes/CD-Rs lost to the world of Spotify playlists or even less romantically just emailed torrent links?
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Wednesday, 26 August 2009

More oral sex please, we're British

After posting about Mr Maybe-Next-Time I can't stop thinking about my pussy being licked and kissed and stroked by a firm tongue.
When I meet a potential lover - I usually fantasise and masturbate about them before actually sleeping with them, but it shows how much I am thinking of them. I have a date next week with someone and only this morning when I was masturbating, I was thinking of him stroking my thighs, licking the insides of my legs and up to my pussy and then I whispered his name when I came. I'm not sure if it is healthy to fantasise about someone before even being kissed by them, but my god, it was fucking hot.
I think women get a hard time about not giving blow jobs, and I for one would like to take this opportunity to apologise to all the men I went out with from 1997 - 2001 where I gave a certain monthly quota of blow jobs, no more, no less. In my defence I had a bad experience in 1997 and it took until a boyfriend was really soft and gentle and loving with me that I felt comfortable to completely let go - that was the (first) love of my life.
I honestly can't remember a time since then (Mr Maybe-Next-Time aside) where blow jobs haven't been enjoyable to give. Nor being with any boyfriend/fling recently where I couldn't get enough oral sex, giving or receiving. So men, take note; tell your partner what you like, how you like it and especially what turns you on.
Someone recently commented that his female partner didn't particularly like receiving cunnilingus but he loved performing it. The irony! He also enquired if a donor service would be viable. Can you imagine Nectar loyalty points being available to get your partner off sexually, especially after a long day?
What the fuck though?! The thing I would like to clear up - men want to kiss on the mouth after giving a clitoris the kiss of life, but not so happy when the roles are reversed. Please can someone explain this to me.
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What man wouldn't...

...want anal sex?
Funnily enough quite a few.
My last relationship (pre-Quiet Boy) lasted just under fifteen months and was a very calm, grown-up affair but practically non-existent sexually. And I mean non-existent. No oral sex, just two sexual positions (him on top or me on top), put that together with his sensitive penis, low-libido and a lacking in wishing to a) talk about it and b) oblivious to my (non-)orgasm and I was a very frustrated bunny.
He became known to my friends as 'Mr Maybe-Next-Time' as whenever I tried to initiate something new, he would always respond "maybe next time". I suggested anal sex along with others and he said he was happy with our sex life. I couldn't be sure if this was the truth, i.e. how could he be happy and content when I was so frustrated.
Oral sex
He didn't like to perform oral sex at all. I took this very personally at first but he explained that it had always been the case and it was with his previous partners. I managed to get him to engage in a 69 once, but when I tried to re-enact it a week or so later, it was a no-go. He was happy to receive though, but I couldn't help but withhold blow jobs to see if that would help him along... It didn't.
Passive aggressive
He didn't like confrontation, so I couldn't discuss anything with him without being made to feel incredibly guilty. After about three months I said I wanted some time out. He panicked at this and we went away for a romantic weekend. I felt incredibly selfish thinking of ending a otherwise perfect relationship, and so it continued.
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Tuesday, 25 August 2009

In the bath AND by accident

I recently had a conversation with an occasional lover which went along the lines of:
When in the bath recently, my finger accidently slipped into my anal passage and I erm... kinda liked it. Maybe we could... erm... try that?
My response was 'of course'. I'm not one to turn down somebody else's pleasure, but, I've not tried anal sex or any anal act. I have since however been googling 'prostate massage' like mad. I'm open to trying it but not been with a established partner in the last couple of years that wanted to try it. Whenever I read erotica containing anal, it does turn me on and I am curious. I think that I am holding onto my anal virginity with the same affection I had for my vaginal virginity in my teens.
It has meant the last day or so I have been thinking about the practicalities of such an act and wonder if an online supermarket order of latex gloves and shedloads of lube will cause embarrassment especially if I were to go for the 'bagless order'.
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Hotels should be fun

It's been about a week since I last knocked one out - it was getting so bad I was starting to get aroused and moist from reading the Radio Times.

For the past three nights I have been sharing a hotel room with a colleague but she has now gone - thank fuck! And earlier this afternoon I bought a bullet vibe from a local Ann Summers - god bless high street sex shops.

I swear if anyone interrupts me in the next twenty minutes, they will be a murder.


Managed two orgasms in just under half an hour. One happy bunny coming up.

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Saturday, 22 August 2009

Resolutions smegolutions

Looking back at my New Year resolutions to see how I am doing and/or how stupid making unrealistic resolutions is:
January 2009
A friend forwarded these to me and I have to agree with most of them:
10. I will not be the last one to text every night when I first start flirting with someone.
This is a resolution out of my control! I was obviously out of my mind in January. *moves resolution to recycling bin*
9. I will not change my Facebook status to "in a relationship" within the first month of dating someone.
8. I will not get drunk on a first date.
What was I thinking? I drink when nervous. I'm nervous on a first date. Therefore usually completely blotto on most first dates. For this to work I might have to move first dates to lunchtime.
7. I won't keep going out with people after three dates if I'm not that into them, just because I'm bored or don't want to be single.
6. I will wait, patiently, until my partner finishes what s/he has to say, even when I'm mad.
5. If I am single, I will put myself out there—online, on the scene and through friends—and meet new people, because variety is the spice of life.
I haven't been uber-friendly with new people - must try harder.
4. If I am partnered, I will make an effort to keep the relationship interesting by trying new things together—new places for dates, new activities in the bedroom, etc.
3. I will tell my sexual partners what I want in bed, and I will not be embarrassed about my desires, fetishes and comfort level with kink.
Not kept. Ten 'Hail Marys' and I will try harder.
2. I will have as much sex as I want, but I will still be careful about my health.
Hmmmm anyway... Moving on.
1. I will raise my standards and lower my expectations.
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Late for a very important date

My period is late.
I am 99.999999% sure I'm not pregnant. But I'm two weeks late and the more I try not think about it, the more I can't think of anything else. Just recollecting the amount of alcohol not to mention debauchery I have put my poor body through in the last month makes me cringe a little.
This is where I get to spend a tenner on a pregnancy test for peace of mind.
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Does it matter?

This week a male friend asked the question a man dare not utter out loud: Errrmm, can I ask you a question? A personal question? Does... erm... size... uhmm... matter?? I think what prompted this line of questioning is earlier in the day I made a throw away comment about one of my ex-lovers, along the lines of 'inhumanly big but no instruction manual'. What I meant was that we had no foreplay, none, it was kissing, clothes off, penetration, which is fine when you want a spontaneous quickie but after some time I missed the first touch of a finger/tongue/anything.
I started to instigate a bit of mutual masturbation but that was very quickly followed by him stating that he wanted me, right away. It did start to bother me, I'm not sure if it was that a lack of intimacy or a omission of know-how. After some discreet inquisition it just came to down to the fact that he had never had to try very hard with the ladies and they were always impressed, I certainly gasped in surprise each time when he entered me. I told my friend, that there are instances where size can be an issue (either too small or too big respectively) but on the whole, no, size didn't matter, it really was what you did with it. He looked relieved.
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Friday, 21 August 2009

No batteries, no love...

I am away with work, practically stranded with no reception, mobile nor internet, between two mountain ranges.
Now you think that not be high alert, but without internet I am having to read a newspaper start to finish without sharing, skimming, see which article is 'most read'...
Boo fucking hoo!
Alas, I'll live or so I thought, until I realised that I HAVE LEFT MY FUCKING VIBRATOR AT HOME!
Whilst packing, I made sure that my favourite vibe was fully charged, I didn't however take it off charge. Being with my boss 17 hours a day is highly stressed enough. Without this outlet in the privacy of my hotel room, I may go mad. I'm not sure I have the energy to go 'manual' three times a day.
Send help.

The other woman

I don't understand infidelity, well I do, but I don't. If you don't want to be with someone don't be with them.
However I'm not naive, I've cheated and been cheated on. Neither nice nor productive. But the two incidents I feel most guilty about are the two where the men involved had girlfriends *gasp*.
The first time
We worked together, he had flirted with me from day one, a few weeks after he started he and his girlfriend broke up, the next six weeks involved him asking me out. I declined, going out with someone from work is one (bad) thing, going out with someone at work who had just broken up with his girlfriend is another (bad) thing. After about three months we went out for dinner, drinks - cut to an expensive (for the area) hotel. We started seeing each other, if we didn't see each other at night, we would meet for breakfast before work. I was at his one night and I found a (positive) pregnancy test in the en-suite bathroom, he said it wasn't his, no shit Sherlock, unless he had grown a womb overnight and it certainly wasn't mine. It turned out that he hadn't broken up with his ex, but she had been looking after her sick mother for the past few months. I have never felt so sick. I left immediately and spent forty pounds on getting a taxi home.
She thought something was amiss and spent the next couple of months calling me without speaking. I wish I had had the bollocks to have forgotten my shame and actually explained to her what a deceitful person the father of her child was. But I didn't have the courage.
The second time
More recently. In fact probably about seven hours and twenty minutes after I proclaimed I would stop shitting on my own doorstep and in walks my long term crush. I met him about three years ago, I fancied him and was in awe to the point that it took three parties before I casually asked someone else who he was. 'Sex on Legs' with the right amount of caring and arrogance.
A group of us are drinking, playing drinking games, it ends up with just us, drinking and playing. The next forfeit was a 100ml shot of cheap vodka, so cheap it wouldn't freeze, cheap. I downed it, only for it to come straight back up. How we end up kissing after the vodka in mouth, out mouth, on floor, kitchen towel mop up, I'm not sure. But we did kiss, snog, pet, shag. About seven times between three and six in the morning. I was hungry for every part of him and vice versa I guess as he kissed, licked and bit most of me.
The next morning I was very disgusted with myself. I called my best friend and told her what had happened, she tried to assure me that I wasn't guilty of anything as I wasn't the one in a relationship, but I wouldn't let myself off the hook as easily.
It gets worse. I have met his girlfriend and they will probably get married in the next twelve months.
If I could turn back the clock I would do.
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Tuesday, 18 August 2009

Half nude, half bush

It's not often that I take a phone call while I am in the bath but today was an exception. I had been waiting for this call all week.
When the call came in, I was halfway through trimming my pubic hair, and was so distracted, I forgot to finish her off. I am now left with a two-face bush.
Not good.
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Sex dreams

More dreams.
I am sure it's just my subconscious trying to file away thoughts, experiences, desires and fears but these are the sex dreams I have been having and again their definition according to a dream dictionary:
1) I catch an ex-shag (soldier) sleeping with my (gay male) friend. They both laughed it off but somehow I felt betrayed and angry at them both, they couldn't understand why.
To see friends in your dream, signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge these rejected aspects of yourself.
To dream that you have been betrayed, represents your suspicions about a particular person, relationship or situation. To dream that someone has betrayed you, indicates self-pity. You are feeling sorry for yourself.
2) I am having a drink with Quiet Boy, then we end up at mine with me giving Quiet Boy a blow job when Pussy Boy arrives and commences to take me doggy style.
To dream about sex, refers to the psychological completion and the integration of contrasting aspects of the Self. You need to be more receptive and incorporate aspects of your dream sex partner into your own character.
It may indicate repressed sexual desires and your needs for physical and emotional love.
To dream that you are having sex with an ex or something that is not your current mate, denotes your reservations about embarking in a new relationship or situation.
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Monday, 17 August 2009

Head - tired, Heart - broken.

Quiet Boy has broken my heart for the last time.
We met nearly a year ago, we fell in love (I fell in love. He loved me one day, could love me the day after, sometimes thought he could fall for me and so on), we then stopped seeing each other at the beginning of this year at my request.
After being apart for a few months, in an non-communicative state, he got back in touch, this meant long drawn out emails, phone conversations and comparatively shorter text messages then we agree to meet. This was all during June/July 2009 and I can't get him out of my head nor heart. This is why I can't see him anymore, this is why I need to move on.
Week one - day one:
We meet for drinks, see a show, more drinks, stupidly no dinner, we then kiss, snog and grope each other until we are asked to leave the bar we were in and somehow catch the last Northern line to our respective homes.
Week one - day two:
He calls, he has missed me, he wants to come over to his at the weekend. He can't believe how he couldn't keep his hands off me the night before.
Week one - day three:
He's not sure what he wants. He still wants to see me at the weekend but doesn't want commitment. His rules are: No meeting of parents, no holidays together, no romance basically. I point out he is an idiot. I highlight we have previously been away and it was fabulous. He agrees. I agree to not meeting each other's parents but the holidays are non-negotiable.
Week one - day five:
I go to his. He still lives with his parents (a post for another time surely), so this is a first, he has the place to himself. We go to the shops to get supplies, before we unpack the shopping we are pulling each other's clothes off, we have great sex on his single bed. He is anxious that he might come quickly as it's been months since we have had sex, he doesn't.
It was amazing seeing him at his place, in his own space and how relaxed and in charge he was.
We have sex another seven times before I leave the next afternoon, brilliant sex, multiple orgasms, oral, hard and fast, slow and sensitive, spanking. I love it when he says my name just before he comes.
He asks me if I have slept with anyone else since we had been apart, not wanting to lie I said not to ask questions you don't want the answers to. He asked for exclusivity, I explained that that comes with commitment.
Week one - day six:
We have our first shower today at his, he's shy about it, and wishes we hadn't had sex just before the shower. My stomach flips on the tube home.
Week two:
A week after the night at his, we meet, he is tense, we have drinks, dinner and he stays at mine. After a very awkward attempt to have sex, I give him a blow job, he forgets to warn me as he's about to come. He goes down on me, but doesn't finish.
Week three:
We have drinks. It's a disaster. We talk about the fact that he asked for commitment and exclusivity, he said he was saying what I wanted to hear. I suggest next time he either asks what I am thinking/feeling or take a mind reading evening class.
Week four:
He's worried that he doesn't know what he wants. I can't go through this again, the not knowing, the indecisiveness. I say let's not bother then.
Week six:
He sends an email about being insecure and I reply curtly that it shouldn't matter what I think as he obviously doesn't want me to be attracted to him, this is not the case apparently. He explains he doesn't think he knows what love is, having never felt it and goes into detail two non-relationships he had as a teenager.
Week eight:
We get close again, we share our deepest fears, secrets and desires. He then pulls away.
Week ten:
Week eleven:
I love him, in a pure, warts and all way. But I am so tired of it all. When we are together now, we don't touch, the laughter is still there but so is the pain that we can't just get past all the fucking hoo-hah and just make a go of it. If it fucks up, it fucks up. But then again, I am a doer, he is a thinker.
In a last ditch attempt, I check our horoscope compatibility (I know!!!). It says (I'm paraphrasing here but...) a great matching if they ever manage to get it together. I despair.
I already know the answer. I need him out of my heart. I'm not sure the best route - cold turkey or softly softly catchee monkey.
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I come loudly

After reading a particularly neurotic email from a friend, I noticed the subject is "I come in peace", I am tempted to reply with just three words "I come loudly" but I am sensing now isn't the time to make jokes.
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Sunday, 16 August 2009

Daydream believer

I am a functioning insomniac, when I do sleep I feel like I am constantly dreaming. Three reoccurring dreams I am having and a definition as per (although there is such a thing as over analysing):
1) I am at my mum's house and keep brushing my hair while her dog is barking (happily) at me. My mum comes home and points out I am using the dog's brush in my hair!
To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. Alternatively, it indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten.
To see a happily barking dog in your dream, symbolizes pleasures and much social activity.
To see hair in your dream, signifies sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. It is indicative of your attitudes. To dream that you are combing or styling your hair, suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking.
2) Each time I need to go to the toilet I shit into my toilet-papered-palm and then carefully dispose of the turd.
To see or come in contact with feces, signifies aspects of yourself that are dirty and negative and which you believe to be undesirable and repulsive. You need to acknowledge and express these feelings, even though it may be shameful. Release the negativity in your life.
According to Freud, feces is related to possession, pride, shame, money/financial matters, or aggressive acts. So to dream that you are playing with feces, symbolizes your anxiety over money matters and financial security.
3) I am at fairground on the bumper cars, and start to be chased by spiders, I leave the fairground by bumper car and escape from the spiders through some fields.
To dream that you are at the fair, suggests that you may be regressing into your childhood where times were simpler. You feel you can let your inhibitions go and forget about the cultural mores.
To dream that you escape from injury, from an animal, or from any situation, signifies your good health and prosperity. You will experience a favorable turn of events.
To see green fields in your dream, symbolizes great abundance, freedom, and happiness.
To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior.
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Ooooh young man

I am contrary.
If I go out with someone younger, I seem to act mature and constantly mildly disappointed. When I go out with someone older I blush and giggle and repeat myself to the point of embarrassment.
Younger men
I like the idea of a toy boy, but I think I'm confusing liking a boy my own age when I was 20 with a 20 year old nowadays. I can reminisce about the enthusiasm and care-free attitude of younger men but that's all it is, a memory. The influx of graduates are enough to put me off men of a certain age.
Older men
A friend recently mentioned in passing that the ideal age gap for a couple is for a woman to go out/marry a man ten years her senior. To put it bluntly it was based on how well men age compared to women. The term " a fine wine.." was used more than once.
Normally I date men within a couple of years of my own age, older or younger, but maybe I should be more open minded to widening those goal posts.
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Mr Holloway

I found the below diary entry from 2006, the only thing is I have no idea who Mr Holloway is, at this rate I may have to start using their real names before I go completely senile. I remember the 21 year old, we had a very short, very passionate fling.
Diary entry from November 2006
Mr Holloway was at the party tonight, I was so shocked to see him I nearly ignore his presence. I was able to avoid him for the first hour and then 'accidentally' bump into him by the bathroom, we chat for quarter of an hour or so, I depart the conversation to get a drink... he can wait until I have more energy. As I make my excuses, I receive a text from the 21 year old, is he keen or just polite? I agree with myself to wait until sober before responding. Time to say my goodnights.
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Dirtier in bed

From a recent episode of Mock the Week:
"We're supposed to be attracted to strong confident women, but we're not, we're actually attracted to broken neurotic women, because we know they will be dirtier in bed".
Thank you Frankie Boyle.
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Saturday, 15 August 2009

A fistful of blushes

Don't ask why but the only pieces of offline entertainment I did have on my laptop were two films - Closer and Freeze Frame - on a train journey today I opt for Closer no-one is paying my screen attention and I am listening via headphones. No-one was paying attention that is until the words:
"I love cock"
"Do you want sex?"
"epic tits"
"Sit on my face fuckboy"
"hotel room, they tie me up, tease me, won't let me cum, they fight over me, 6 tongues on my cock, balls, perineum etc."
...filled my screen in succession in a matter of seconds, if you haven't seen the film it's a cybersex scene between Jude Law and Clive Owen. All of a sudden, the man across the aisle couldn't or wouldn't stop staring at the screen. Cue me deciding whether to brave it out or switch it off in horror.
It reminded me of when I was reading Ben Elton's Past Mortem, which my tube neighbour only took a peek of my reading fodder when it happened to be a scene describing in minute detail olive oil aided fisting. Thanks for that Ben.
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"Love is a symbol of eternity that wipes out all sense of time, removing all memory of a beginning and all fear of an end."
I miss love, I miss waking up next to a truly loved one.
I miss being in love, the warmth and intimacy you only find with a loved one and why one-night stands and flings are can be knee tremblingly exciting but also the ultimate disappointment.
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Friday, 14 August 2009

Foolish and reckless

If you read the earlier post where I was given a full bill of sexual health and showed a hardy attitude towards my sexual wellness, maybe now isn't the time to say I'm a FUCKING IDIOT.
About a month ago fooling around my number one crush at the time aka Pussy Boy penetration occured pre-condom, did we stop, yes, after a few minutes. Why did it happen? Because as I've established I'm an imbecile and at that particular moment I was swept up in the moment, he didn't ejaculate inside me but that doesn't stop the birth control and STD paranoia that followed.
Pussy Boy's problem is as with some men he doesn't like condoms for the obvious reasons but it goes further than not liking them, he has a larger that average girth at the base of his penis, so I probably should have suggested to him trying some larger condoms. But let's stop making excuses and allow the self-flagellation begin.
Pussy Boy said that he was last tested a few months back and was clean. I've spent this afternoon at my local clinic for testing, I tested negative for HIV, and get the rest of the results back in a week.
I am too old to go through this palaver. Kids, just say NO!
I got the rest of the results back, all clear. Clean as a fanny shaped whistle.
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Diary entry from January 2009
Luckily I have never caught anything nasty in my knickers, but that it probably going out with virginal geeks or dirty musicians and requesting to use at least ten* condoms at a time never mind just one*!
I have been uber-careful with the last few partners but had a scare story from a friend where she caught chlamydia and had to tell 20-odd ex-partners/lovers/friends about it. As such, I am going to try and get tested at the end of each 'relationship', before getting intimate with someone...
As I use condoms with all new partners pretty smug in that knowledge, but should anything bad happen to me or my genitals, at least then I will a) be able to pinpoint who did it while dirty and b) the number of men I have to send that news to will be relatively low - that is - just the one. So I booked myself a sexual screening at the local sexual health clinic - in case you're worried, don't be - got the all clear.
What is the etiquette for bad news? Email, phone call, text, fax?!?!
All the normal questions came up - ooh missus - they really have something against Africans, using intravenous drugs or drugs intravenously even and selling sex, all of which seem seedy in t'sex clinic yet perfectly reasonable to be asked when at a blood drive.
As I'm there, I go for the full sexual MOT, obviously a little embarrassed I didn't shave public hair into a strange shape and/or colour for a laugh, I hear nurses love a good laugh, but I was running late!
My nurse in question used so much lube it was difficult to tell what she was doing and when, until she asked if I wanted to be tested for Pelvic Inflammatory Disease?
I agreed, the procedure she explained consisted of inserting two (well lubricated) fingers into one's vagina and just giving the wall of the womb "a little shake", I have my legs akimbo in some stirrups and below the waist only a pair of knee high black socks on, she goes in, at this point I am feeling a little like The Hand That Rocks The Cradle and what with all the lube can't be certain she still has her glove on, breathe in, breathe out, all done.
*That was not a serious comment, please don't try using more than one condom at a time!!
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Thursday, 13 August 2009

Get the mop, get laid

I'm sure it's not the first time a hoover has been used to enhance sexual relations, research has discovered that "Men Who Do The Housework Are More Likely To Get The Girl".
I have co-habited a couple of times, once successfully and once not so. It worked when we split the chores into the ones we were good at, I bagged cooking and laundry and my ex got vacuuming and bathroom duty. Anything he did outside of his 'jobs' got the best of me in return, maybe I had low expectations at the time but he was a master at the small things and he did the ironing!
The research goes on to say that Scandinavian (specifically from Norway and Sweden) men are top dogs when it comes to 'man around the house' with British men coming in an impressive third - that's a horse worth backing each way.
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Last Person Who...

Diary entry from December 2008
It's been a long while since I have filled one of these in, never mind forwarded on the answers but I am having a shiteous day and looking for all and any distraction.
1. Slept in a bed beside you?: A drunken friend passed out
2. You went to the mall with?: Me, myself and I
3. You went to dinner with?: A date
4. You talked to on the phone?: My new housemate
5. Made you laugh?: Frankie Boyle
6. Hugged you?: A drunk on the tube
7. Said they loved you? An ex about six years after we broke up
8. Held your hand?: The dinner date
9. Spoke with?: An overseas friend
10. You cried over?: A death
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Let's go back to the beginning

I had been thinking about writing a blog for a long while, and more seriously for most of 2008 and last November I started playing with sporadic diary entries and posts. When I read them back I always want to change and tweek them, I am trying to do this less - but here is where it started last November:
Diary entry from November 2008
My sexual revolution starts here
My friends can split into two groups, those will discuss their sexuality and experiences and those that can't/won't talk.
The latter will give a disapproving look if they think you may have kissed more than two men, never mind been in a state of dress in front of a member of the opposite sex. One is even waiting until her wedding night, talk about not trying before you buy.
The former are there to answer the " it normal to/when.." questions, to discuss and laugh about all and sundry. After being in a long-term relationship, I feel like I've been left behind in the mid-20s experimentation. It's not like I had a bad sex life, just a very monotonous one for the last five years.
My gay friends recommend everything, I mean everything!?!??!!
At my age, I should be better at this...
My sexual revolution starts here... I am going to do all I can to try those things I've heard of but never had the time/energy/desire/courage to...
First step - Research
Are you over 18? If not, please close me down.
I google "erotic literature", which sends me to, I agree to being over 18 years old to view site content, I sign up to e-updates and click on stories and pics. The topics seem to be endless starting with Anal and continuing with BDSM, Celebrities, Chain Stories, Erotic Couplings, Erotic Horror, Exhibitionist & Voyeur, Fetish, First Time, Gay Male, Group Sex, How to, Humour & Satire, Illustrated, Incest/Taboo, Interracial Love, Lesbian Sex, Letters & Transcripts, Loving Wives, Mature, Mind Control, Non-English, Non-Erotic, Non Consent/Reluctance, Nonhuman, Novels & Novellas, Reviews & Essays, Romance, Sci-Fi & Fantasy, Text with Audio, Toys and Masturbation and Transsexuals and Crossdressers.
*Phew!* Where do I start?? I add the site to my favourites.
Next, I stumble across Scarlet magazine (self-proclaimed the UK's Hottest Women's Magazine) and request a free copy, I sign up to the e-updates too... This leads me to again I agree to being over 18 and enter... I open a story and the first two paragraphs, immediately start to make me moisten, the first paragraph, wow!
Where is my vibrator?!?!
Second step - Friends
A couple of male friends have heard of my dilemma (that makes it sound more serious that it is) and to help have forwarded some porn sites - thanks! They've made special mention of double and triple penetration. If you're not sure that double/triple is, you might want to leave it that way. I don't delve too deep but add the links to my favourites, in the folder "Research", my inner prude won't allow be to make a new folder entitled say "Porn", "Fun" or even "Later", maybe one day...
I gently broach the subject with female friends, they weren't as forthcoming, I decide to leave the subject until the next time we have a couple bottles of wine...
Third step - Dating and Preparations
It has occurred to me that to fulfil my newly found wanton desires (past masturbation), I will need a partner. The weekend will be the ideal opportunity, in preparation I book a facial, massage and manicure.
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Friend for S&M Thought

A friend has offered to help me out with a lesson in being dominated, he has said "an evening with him will have me begging for mercy, then begging for more".
I am curious but I'm not sure if our friendship could handle it.
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Wednesday, 12 August 2009

No wine, no dine, no sixty-nine

Last night I think I possibly went on the worst date I have ever been on and even as I write this, I already know that statement isn't true as it didn't end up in vomit, shame and/or regret but this time yesterday it felt pretty crappy.
It was a second-ish date, we met for drinks about a month or so. We meet at a local pub, equidistant from our respective households. After one drink he suggested going back to his which was on the cards anyway - the plan was meet for drinks and then share a bottle of wine at his. I got us another drink each at the bar, and explained that I wouldn't automatically be sleeping with him, he didn't ask for my reasons (which were a) I wasn't sure that my sensitive tummy was back to full strength b) I wanted to let him know I wasn't 'that' easy c) I felt he was already taking me for granted). He finished his pint in double time and then called it a night. At 20:15. By 20:30 I was at home, tucked up in my sofa with a hot-toddy.
Ironically, if he had said no problem, plied me with wine, let me be comfortable, made me laugh (which he was very good at) and kissed me (also very good at), I would have probably slept with him.
My apologies if I need to be wined and dined before being sixty-nined but woo the girl at least!
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Boo to Poo!

While reading an article from Time Out NY about a surprise poo attack, this story put together with The Bucket List's "Don't Trust a Fart" and Tucker Max's recollection of a shitty event and it reasserts how amazing the human body is but also how fragile and bewildering.
Poo is a normal human by-product and it's completely normal but I would be mortified. I would probably move house, ensure that I became a gangster's mole purely to be then put in witness protection.
This has been playing on my mind is that I was invited over for fun and frolics with the drummer. As I have had a bit of a sensitive tummy the last couple of days, if I was still taking the Pill this would have been a no-no not because of the lack of birth control (condoms, hello!) but because if the pill had stopped working I would have had an unexpected period.
I turned down the delicious offer from the even more delicious drummer because I couldn't trust my bowels for more than 20 metres away from a bathroom, never mind scantily clad and on the borders of Hackney.
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Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Would you like a cup of tea?

Last week Graham Linehan posted:
"Thanks to everyone who sent the 'Father Ted' attack-piece from the Guardian this week. I know y'all want to keep me in the loop, but... a little favour while I have your ear? Please don't send me the negative stuff. It's hard enough to write without coming across think-pieces by trolls. You can't expect everyone to like something you've done, and some of those people end up in print. That's life, but I certainly don't need to read the stuff."
I was about to search for the piece attacking Father Ted but didn't. I don't need to read what the Guardian has said on the matter. I loved Father Ted and still do and an article that will probably enrage me isn't what I need when I am meant to be relaxing this week.
I saw a Father Ted episode recently that had managed to pass me by the first time it was screened, it was 'The Mainland' with Richard Wilson and I laughed until I nearly wet myself. Thank you Channel 4's 4oD.
It made me think that actually maybe we should all be lighter on the negative stuff. I have a friend that constantly shouts "why are you doing that?", "don't do this", "don't do that" to the point where I am finding myself avoiding him and even that group of friends.
So to quote a teacher I once had - "...if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".
Would you like a cup of tea?
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