Hello?

Well hello there...

Long time no see.

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Within the last twenty four hours I have had three visits from boyfriends past.  Well, not exactly visits, and not exactly boyfriends, from more would-be boyfriends past:

1) The crush, I mean THE crush from University, with his wife, does it say more that I recognised her first (from his Facebook of course) - hmmmmm...

2) Mr Bugs crossing the road, as I was on a bus.

3) Sharing a tube carriage with Mr Saucy Ex-Colleague, I would have caught his eye had I not just had an brow and lip wax, I couldn't quite be sure how glowing my face still was...

Why now?  Is it a sign?  Is there such a thing as coincidence?

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

I didn't need to climax anyway...

The moment I see him I am reminded of the flinch.  I sit on my sofa, and we decide to watch a DVD, except half way through it is obvious that he isn't enjoying it.  He thought I wanted to watch it.  Are we STILL doing that.  Assuming what makes the other happy.  When did it become so difficult.  We go to sleep without having sex.  I attempted to initiate something and got nothing.  Just as I was dropping off, I think he must have thought the same.

In the middle of the night, I awoke to find a semi-erect penis in my back.  We had really animalistic sex, hard and heavy.  He came, rolled over.  I said to myself "it's okay, I didn't need to climax anyway...", and then to my surprise, I said it out loud.  He didn't respond.  I asked him to be gone by the time I woke up.

Come morning, he was gone.

The whiskey still playing havoc with my head.  We go for a toasty brunch and talk about us.  There isn't anything to say, anything more to say.  Cue broken record.  He surprises me.  He states - "I obviously like having sex with you".  The only response that escapes my mouth is a slightly sarcastic "thank you..".

As we return to mine, we are both warmer to each other, being slumped on the sofa, we cuddle up and of course mutual nakedness happens.  It feels raw and real.  For the first time in a long time, I feel lost in it.

The flinch

We go to a new bar near mine.  I look great, not just by my standards, those around me. I feel great.  I go to kiss him and he flinches.  Everything shatters.  My confidence, my feelings, my tear ducts.  I keep it together.  Just.  Around TWO hours of polite conversation goes by.  I say anything not to cry, I pseudo-smile at his jokes.  He knows something is wrong, but can't/won't/doesn't ask.  I have a coffee with a whiskey hammered into it.

Warm whiskey makes me feel loved.  I ask him why we are doing 'this'?  Why the fuck do we continue to pretend to be a couple, I'm not even allowed to touch him.

Condoms II

No, conversation not over.  After some part-conversations on the matter, and now all that was on my mind was 'just the tip', he firmly thought and had it drummed into him that it was the gentleman's (his choice of word) responsibility for contraception.  How sweet.  I think. 

After some more prompting, gentle promting

He asked "wasn't it the man that was meant to be hassling about unprotected sex?"

*Awkward silence*

Condoms

Condoms. 

I mentioned that I packed condoms, that said, last night in bed, I mentioned that I was on the pill (for medical reasons dahling) and perhaps we could try intercourse without the slight interruption of pausing to put on a condom.  I think I used the word 'organic' and made a hand gesture normally reserved for spiritual leaders.  He said he wouldn't be comfortable with it.  Conversation over.

A quick recap: at the beginning of the Last Chance we talked about sexual health and were both tested.